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The Enchanting Princess

Makoto {voiceover}: Hello my name is Makoto Mizuhara.

All: Hi Makoto

Makoto: A normal high school student from Shiniobi High. I was working on a special science project when something something went horribly wrong. I've suddenly been transported to a mysterious world called El Hazard. What is going to happen to me in such an unpredictable place?

Crow: Are we going to have to sit through this EACH episode?
Joel: Looks like it.

{Opening: Makoto is in a dungeon with a long chain connecting him to the floor.}

Joel: Told ya. He made the orb glow.

Makoto: Ohhh...I wonder what my family thinks. They probably think I'm dead by now. there's just no way out.
Nanami: Special half price off. Fastest train to home boarding now.

Crow: Next they'll take a bus ride to Jupiter.

Makoto: Thank God can I go?
Nanami: Limited offer. Our discounted tickets include a free lunch. Only two and a half million yen.

Joel (waves a bill to Makoto): Here's 10 bucks, that should cover it.

Makoto: Nanami, you can't be here. Am I dreaming?
Nanami: Passengers with questions, next window.{slams window}

Tom: Microsoft has better customer service than she does.

Makoto: No wait! You have to take me back! I can pay it. Don't leave!{tries to climb up wall, yanked back down by chain}

Tom {as Mortal Kombat's Scorpion}: Get down here!

Nanami: Makoto-chan, what's wrong? Are you OK?
Makoto: The laboratory! I guess... I was dreaming. In El Hazard.
Nanami: What are you talking about Makoto-chan?
Makoto: Oh thank you! {hugs Nanami} Thanks a ton for rescuing me from that crazy place! And at no charge?{Realizes how he's hugging her}

Crow: THAT's she's going to charge him for.

Makoto: Wow! What a dream, within a dream. Or am I dreaming now?

Joel: The eternal question.


Makoto: If I can find a library around here, maybe I can discover a way to get us back home. Well, at least I can wash up.

Joel: That's NOT a sink young man.

{big fluffy thing plops in his hands}
Makoto: Oh good, thank you very much. That's nice.{see's monster}

Crow {at close up of monster}: Dr.Schtalubaugh?

{Monster plays Makoto by eating his head}

Tom {as Makoto escapes}: Ugh! He didn't wash his hair!

{Rune in bath}

Joel: Hey, she's clothed.
Tom: Talk about your nudity taboos.

Makoto: Right out of Ripley's Believe it or Not.
Rune: Whatever shall I do with the strangers? I want to help them, but I don't think I can. {creature makes noise} Well Londs thinks they may be spies from an enemy land. {creature makes another noise} But I just don't believe that. Cause they're kind. How can people like that pose a threat to Roshtaria?
{Makoto falls over. Rune gasps.}

Crow: Love at first fall.

Rune: What are you doing here in my royal bath?
Makoto: Nothing, I think I got lost.
Rune: I command you to leave at once!
{creature revealed to be puppet}

Tom: Crow, it's one of us!
Crow: And she's drowning it! Boooo!!

Makoto: I'm sorry Your Majesty.
Rune: It's too late. You've already seen it haven't you?

Tom: How could he? You still have your clothes on.

Makoto: Well...I guess. Yeah.
Rune: If you ever tell anyone I shall never forgive you. Never say anything of what you've seen here.
Makoto: I promise! I promise! I don't even know

Joel: They didn't cover that in science class yet.

Makoto: What the heck is it?
Rune: Yes I guess people like you belong in a dungeon.
Makoto: No you don't understand! {Makoto then Rune scream}
Rune: You're the worst kind of spy!
Makoto: That's it! I'm finding a way out of this crazy weirdo zoo today!

Tom {muttering}: Giant, man-eating shag carpets, princesses taking baths with their clothes on talking to dragon puppets. Give me cram school any day.
Crow: Did anyone else notice the guards didn't come when she screamed?

{Bugrom homeland}

Tom: Is that a mushroom?
Joel: Don't know. What's all the fuss about?
Crow: Orkin man is coming.

Deva: He has escaped! Find him at once!

Tom: He must finish watching Manos.

Jinnai: No need for that. Are you the one in charge here?
Deva:It's impossible! No one has ever escaped from the dungeons of my palace. They are the strongest in all El Hazard.
Jinnai {laughs}{All join in}: I did it easy enough. I simply pretended I had a stomach ache and called to the guard.

Joel: Quick! Bring in the budget artists!

Jinnai: Oh ah I'm dying. Please! All I ever wanted in life was to hold one of those beautiful weapons you have. Please, let me hold one before I die.
Jinnai {voiceover}: The stupid oaf actually took pity on me. It's one of my basic rules in life to take advantage of the sympathy of fools willing to give it.

Crow: Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #132

Deva: What a horrible person! {all jump at extreme close up} I can't believe it! Using another's kindness to escape from jail.
Jinnai: Better believe it. You have to step over everyone if you want to become a great ruler.
Deva: So it's true, you're a ruler. From what empire do you hail?

Tom: Yardstickville

Jinnai: I come from the strongest empire. The empire of Shininobi High School. I am lord-god Jinnai!
Deva: And I am lord-queen Deva. Ruler of the invincible Bugrom Empire. Well met.
Jinnai: I love ruling.
Deva: And so do I.
Jinnai: You love destroying people?
Deva: Every chance I get.
Jinnai: Do you want to be rule of the entire world?
Deva: Of course! Yes!

Crow: It's a tennis match!

Jinnai: Then I shall make you that ruler. And I will simply become your god.

Tom: Fortunately the Bugrom are atheists.

Deva: Oahhh! {Jinnai laughs, all and Deva join in}

Crow (as Bugrom}: Humph, this place not getting any saner.

Fuji: I forgot, Makoto, how much money did you say we have again?
Makoto: It's ahh 100 roshtals I suppose it's enough.

Joel {as Fuji}: How much booze will that buy?

Fuji:I never cared for charity.
Makoto: They said it would be enough for us to get by for at least a week. You really shouldn't be complaining so much.
Fuji: Yeah, you're right. Wanderers like us don't deserve it.

Tom: Working the title into the dialog, nice.

Makoto: Don't say that! At least what they gave us gives us a chance to find our way home again.
Fuji: I guess our only choice IS searching around. She did act strange though.

Joel: Gee, I wonder why.

Fuji: We're desperate! I have to get back to the school. Your Majesty we'll take any help that you can give us.

Tom: Again with the classes!

Rune: We cannot help.
Makoto: But perhaps there is someone in the kingdom you haven't thought of yet.
Rune: Is there anyone else?

Crow {as Rune}: I think the Sliders are still here.

Makoto: Do you know someone?
Rune: No, I'm afraid there's no one. No one within this kingdom.
Makoto: Well is there somewhere else?
Makoto: I guess that's all she has to say. I wonder what she was hiding
{Rune watching them below}

Joel: Microsoft's R&D department.

{monster plays with Makoto again}: Genwa's seeing them off. But he's never so friendly to strangers. Indeed they must be of good heart.

Tom: Que 'Loony Tunes' foley

{the two run away with xylophone FX}

Makoto: Hey look!
Fuji: What's this?
Makoto: Look at everybody sensei. They're all like this. Do you think maybe they're sick of something?

Joel: They just saw Titanic.

Fuji: I don't know.
Makoto: Wow! no wonder everyone is so miserable. The river is completely run dry. What do you think happened?
Chief: It's been dammed and as village chief I'm completely powerless to stop them.
Fuji: But who did this?
Makoto: Look the other side! Sensei, it's the giant insects again.
Fuji: Yep
Chief: The Bugrom
{Bugrom use fire arrows}

Tom: Hey, they're lighting their arrows. Can they DO that?

Fuji: I just can't believe they'd be that cruel
Makoto: Sensei, we should help them put out that fire
Fuji: Right!

Crow makes fire engine siren noises

Deva: Why it's perfectly fiendish. First dam up the river then burn the entire village to the ground. It's a work of pure evil. You are a genius Jinnai!
Jinnai: I'm pure evil genius that's right

Joel: More like 40% genius and 60% megalomania

Deva: Do not stop now my minions shoot-
Jinnai: Ignore that order!
Deva: Huh?
Jinnai: Remember now Deva. You're the one who's being taught here.
Deva: Yes.
Joel: You know I bet he doesn't even have a teaching certificate.

Jinnai: I'm not quite ready to burn the village to the ground, yet. A true ruling conqueror makes them pay to be tortured first. {laughs} {All chuckles} {Deva joins in}
Commercial sign

Chief: Well I guess that's the last of the stagnant water. The rest shall burn.

Crow {sings}: Burn baby burn. Disco inferno!

Assistant: But we saved many of the homes with your plan and these stranger's quick actions. But I fear we won't fare as well when the enemy return.
Makoto: It's very odd. Why didn't they continue to attack when we were at their mercy?
Fuji: Hummm
Messenger: Village Elders!
Chief: Yes, what is it?
Messenger: It's the Bugrom. They've returned!
Chief: What? Attacking us again?
Messenger: They aren't! They've do business.
Makoto and Fuji: Come to do business?!

Crow: They want to get paid for their arrows.

Jinnai: Thirsty citizens? Loose a river lately? Pure delicious water at rock bottom prices. We're selling our X-tra Large 2 liter size for a mere 100,000 rostals. It's not a bargain, it's a steal! {laughs}
{child runs up to water cart}
Mother: No, don't.
{Bugrom stops child}

Tom: What do those guns shoot anyway?

Mother: We can't afford it, dear.
chief: I wish to speak to your leader here.
Jinnai: That, of course, is me!
Makoto and Fuji: Huh?! It's Jinnai!
Jinnai: YOU'RE here? and Fujisawa?
Fuji: Well hey, what do you know? Another student!

Crow: Maybe my whole class is here for me to teach!

Jinnai: What are you two doing in my village. I see, you brought Makoto here to thwart my plans again.
Makoto: It figures you're behind it all. No one else would ever stoop so low.
Jinnai: Shut your mouth! Never mind! The water sale is off as long as Makoto's here.
Fuji: But Jinnai, you're the student president. You know you're not allowed to act this way.
Jinnai: Allowed? You're talking to the new ruler of El Hazard. You're no longer a teacher, but I can let you be mayor. Choose your side well.
Makoto: You know he'd never side with you.

Tom: Now hold on there. How much booze does a Mayor get?

Jinnai: The price of the water remains. With a special extra incentive that if you don't buy the water now, I'll set fire to your precious village again. Pay or burn! First customer in line, step right up!

Joel: You're the next contestant on Racketeering!

Assistant: But we're a poor village
Fuji: You can't be serious
Jinnai: Deadly serious.
Deva: It's so beautifully cruel and fiendish. I never thought learning to rule could be this much fun or give me the quivers like this.

Crow {as Deva}: It's even better than sex.

Jinnai: You must buy it even if you don't have money. therefore I give you six hours to gatherer the equivalent in jewels and gold. {laughs as he leaves}{all join in}
Fuji: Awful kid.
Messenger: Elders! Rune Venus and her enterage are here and now reside at the old summer palace.

Joel {upon seeing palace}: So THAT's where the village's money went.
Crow: So her puppet is a freeze dried pet?

{Makoto and Rune see each other. Rune turns and runs away}
Makoto: Wait...
Londs: This was her summer house. Where joy turn sorrow and memories of her father, the great king, linger though he has passed on. The princess's tears echo all our feelings for the kingdom's loss.
Makoto: Wait listen, I think I got an idea that will work!
{Fuji is buried to his neck in sand}

Tom: Now get more sand! Just his head's left!

Fuji: uhhh Some great plan Makoto has. Sweat every drop of sake out and I haven't had a drink in days
Makoto: He's superhuman when he doesn't drink. You already know how strong he is and Londs, even you saw how be beat those Bugrom single handed to save Princess Rune. He's ten times stronger than usual. So if he was completely sober he'd be able to make it faster to the inland lakes where the water must be dammed.

Crow: It's near village of the-

Makoto: Dr.Schtalubaugh and I have made calculations that show he could easily make it there and back. And then we'd have enough. All the water we need to foil the Bugrom. All we need now is the largest container you have, that you can find in Roshtaria. A huge resivour, a tub or bowl or anything!
Dr.Schtal: But such a thing does not exist nor has ever been built.
{decostruction on the dome}
Makoto: No no no! We need more people around on the other side! Hurry! Hey! What are you doing? Don't remove that support yet! Are you crazy?

Joel: It's so crazy it just might work.

Londs: It is amazing.
Makoto: Wow bringing down a roof around here sure takes a lot out of a guy. {Faints}

Crow: I think I'll take a nap right now.
Joel: You're suppose to do a swan dive into WATER not sand.

Rune: No!
Makoto: {Wakes up} Princess Rune! I'm sorry I must have fainted. Are the Bugrom here? How long was I out for?
Rune: No, it's OK. It was only for about a few minutes or so.
Makoto: I thought it was hours Oh no, they're waiting
Rune: You're exhausted, you can't--

Crow: On second thought I'm going back to sleep.

Makoto: What do you mean I can't. I can and I will save you're father's summer house. I should go now. I'm perfectly fine. OK. Don't worry.

Joel {as side show MC}: Come see the thin man, the sword swallower, the bearded lady and the STRONG MAN!

Fuji: Hah! Is that the biggest roof? It's only a little soup bowl!
Makoto: Sensei, remember you have to hurry now.
Fuji: {lifts roof} It's so easy! I'll be back sooner than you think!
Makoto: Don't forget our plans include as much liquor as you can want when you come back!

Joel {deep voice}: Booze helps people do good.

Fuji: That's the only part I heard! Yahoo!

Crow: Alta Vista!
Tom: And I'm taking my xylophone with me!

Makoto: I'm counting on you Sensei. Please help them.
Messenger: Elders! The Bugrom have arrived. Much sooner than expected.
Rune: You've arrived before the time proclaimed. We are not prepared.
Jinnai: Any more proclamations that I make are flexible. But you simpletons never expected that did you. {laughs} {all join in}

Crow: You never expect the Spanish Inquision.

Makoto: Sensei, please hurry. Everyone in the village, we're all counting on you.
{Fuji running down path and falls down cliff. Bowel shatters} Damn the architecture!!!

Crow: Well that WAS the plan right?

Jinnai: It's time! Time to buy the water or choose the fire!

{All improv game show audience}

Chief: We must do as he says.
Makoto: Listen. Even if you give him everything, I bet he still intends to burn the village down. Isn't it true Jinnai?!
Jinnai: Causing trouble again. I'm just here to bring water to their thirsty little village children.
Makoto: You're lying again. I know it.
Tom: Answer the question!

Jinnai: Yeah so what? These idiots don't know that! But since I haven't been paid for the water yet or paid for my generosity. Do as he says! Burn it down!
Rune: If it must burn, then I emplore you that you set your flames onto my house first.

Joel: Ahhhhh OK.

Londs: Your Majesty
Rune: I wish it burnt.

Joel {New Orleans accent}: Cajun cookin, ummmm good.

Jinnai: Oh that's good. Means something special to you does it?

{As Bugrom ready their fire arrows} Crow (F): Wait! I wasn't serious!

Fuji: Look out! Commin through!
{river returns}
Fuji: Fujisawa cowabungha!

Tom and Joel hum TMNT theme
Crow: Mid-age Scruf-fy Drunk-en Tea-chers. Mid-age Scruf-fy Drunk-en Tea-chers. Mid-age Scruf-fy Drunk-en Tea-chers. Cast him into El Hazard. Liquor power!

{Jinnai gets washed away}
Jinnai: Help me I can't swim!!!

Joel: Toss him a life saver. He's the main villain.
Tom: Make it cherry flavored!

Fuji: Then join the swimming club.

Chief: Thank you again sir. Drink and be merry.

Crow: and tomorrow, the hangover.

Makoto: Amazing. I guess when he dropped the roof the shattered pieces fell upon the dam and broke it free.

Crow {skeptically}: Suuuure it did.

Rune: He's a great man.
Makoto: Yep, sure is. But I'm even more amazed at you, Princess.
Rune: Huh?
Makoto: How you offered to have them burn YOUR house first. Even though this place holds so many memories of your father.
Rune: They're my people. Their lives are more important than old memories.

Crow {as Rune}: Besides, it was run down.

Rune: And besides even if this house was destroyed, it would never erase the memories I hold protected in my heart. And above all you know what they say?
Makoto: No, what do they say?
Rune: Memories are like the moon. Each is only as good as the beautiful one this night.
Makoto: Who said that?
Rune: My father did.

Joel: Oh bogus!

Nanami: Wait a second! I didn't get to say anything the entire show. And besides, I'm sure it's in my contract. That stupid writer must have forgotten about me.

Joel: Ahhh shut up or you'll become an extra in Gundam.

Episode 4: The Lonely Priestess
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