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Pure Evil Genius

{Joel and the bots enter the theater}
Joel: Are you still upset?
Tom (looking away): Yeah! I can't believe Pioneer is doing this to us. Here comes the intro; {scartasticly} Hello my name is Makoto Mizuhara. A normal high school student from Shiniobi--
Crow: Uhh Tom, they've stopped doing it.
Tom: Wha? {turns around} Yes! I take back everything I said. This series is GREAT!

Ifurita: The program awakened me, beckoning me, calling out my name - Ifurita, the Ultimate Weapon, the Demon God. It is a name that's strectches back further than time remembers. {normal voice} Oh yeah, on that topic, the holy anceints sealed me within this floating tomb thing and then they, well if someone could have woken me up a little earlier, well maybe I could deal with this, El Hazard - in the future? {Crow (F): And they haven't invented malls yet!} Oh nevermind, sorry. {echoing voice} The Demon God Ifurita has awakened.

Joel: The Demon God is a valley girl!


Londs: No no, you are not listening! The demon will come directly to Roshtaria to destroy it. And then it will move on to lay to waste all of El Hazard.
Makoto: But I know that just can't be the truth Londs.

Tom: You can't handle--
Joel: A disagreement does not mean you can make A Few Good Men reference.

Londs: You disbelieve and yet you witnessed the destruction of an entire mountain by that horrible power. In all my years of warfare I have never seen such evil as that.

Joel: So destructive equals evil.


Tom: Last time on El Hazard, the Wanderers.
Crow: So where did all the debree fall?

Makoto: But I know...
Fuji: What, tell us Makoto. What is it that you know?
Makoto: I don't know it was something in her eyes. That's it. Ifurita's eyes didn't look evil at all. There was a beauty and kindness in them.

Tom: More like stupidity.

{Rune looks nervous}

Crow (F): He never looked into my eyes like that.

Londs: Are you saying that you're under some sort of spell?

All (sings): She's got me under her spell.

Makoto: Of course not, it's just that I was so taken by what I saw and not what I expected to see in her eyes that everybody oh I don't know.
Londs: Your advice Makoto is usually sound but--
Rune: I make the decisions. That thing is an ultimate weapon named a Demon God and I will do everything I can to protect my subjects. Have you forgotten the Bugrom? Do you think they are kind and gentle also?
Makoto: Yeah, I forgot. You're absolutely right, Princess Rune.

Tom (subdued): Yes dear. You're right dear.

Alliele: He backed right down. You tell that male subject!

Joel: Shop class?
Crow: So he's been downgraded from guest to subject.

Rune (figeting): Well it's not that's she's a female Demon God.... my decision is based upon well umm duty, territory, protection.

Crow: You're jealous. Admit it.

Nanami: Try Royal Defence.
Rune: Ahh That's it!

Tom: Now if only she could be that aggressive against her other rival, Nanami.

Guard: Sir Londs!
Londs: Yes? what is it?
Guard: A Bugrom air force has been seen above the castle walls!

Joel: Get the Bug Zappers!

Londs: The attack is here! (runs out) We're doomed.

{Jinnai snapps his fingers, first air carrier bug opens the first banner}
Makoto: Oh brother!

Tom: Brought to you by Mrs.Omar's 1st grade art class.

Nanami: Yeah, my brother the pain.
Jinnai: Ahem, testing 1-2. Salutations Roshtaria. How are you all today? I hope you are doing well.

Joel: He also does his 'thank you' notes this way.

Fuji: We were fine until you came along to ruin the whole day!

Crow and Tom make monkey sounds as Fuji speaks.

Jinnai: {flip} {Joel lifts up each banner in turn.} If you haven't heard I, Kazuhiko Jinnai, now control the ultimate weapon-Ifurita. {gasp} {flip} I should inform you that I've obtained unmeasureable demonic power and can easily destroy your entire kingdom.

Joel: And all it cost me was my soul.

Jinnai: {flip} But I am a very kind ultimate ruler and shall spare you from certain destruction. {flip} Ifurita will come and destroy you! {flip} Or surrender to me because I'm being so nice today. {flip} It's better than one choice right?

Crow: Not much.

Makoto: And here comes the slave and liberty part.
Jinnai: {flip} Surrender to me and I'll save you from Ifurita. I will give you true liberty as my slaves.

Tom: Can Makoto call em or what?

Jinnai: {flip} What other ruler gives you two choices hum?

Joel: Metric and English?

Londs: This is foolish mockery!

Crow: No, it's mediocre art.

Jinnai: {flip} you'd better decide soon {last one turns around} {laughs}

Joel: Confident isn't he?

Nanami: I just have to be an only child. Mom couldn't have lied to me could she?

{Bugrom HQ}
Ifurita: Ummm yummy. My master found this? What do you call this tea again? Green-something?
Deva: It is cultivated from the odd amount of scattered blooming plants which grow in the area which Jinnai first appeared to us. Pan means green in bugrom.

Crow (F): But Jinnai calls it 'Prozac' for some reason.

Jinnai: Well mission accomplished.
Ifurita: Welcome back!
Jinnai: Ah good, you woke her up.
Deva: Yes, but only after a thousand measures of royal jelly.
Jinnai: Does she have power?

Tom: Stick a lightbulb in her mouth and see.

Deva: Doubtful. I don't think she can remember even for a second what she is.
Ifurita: I didn't really blow up a mountain did I? You guys are just kidding me right?
Deva: Do You see how difficult she's acting? Oh here this is yours.
Jinnai: Thanks. Can't remember can't she? Ahhh you should say when it's one degree hotter.
Deva: There there, {Joel: Poor baby.} I didn't mean it to be so hot.
Ifurita: I'm sorry master. I think there must be something wrong with the way you people woke me up.

Tom: They were one second late in pushing the snooze button. That's what was wrong!

Jinnai: Why should I care how it is you wake up as long as the ultimate bomb goes off in time. {laugh} {drinks tea} humph

Crow: Ummm, it's better like this. I think I'll have my tea this way for now on.

Ifurita: You know, all that honey and really good tea could keep my confidence up I think.

Joel: Offer her a cookie if she does a good job.

{Message arrives from Roshtaria}

Crow (Monty Python): Message for you sir.

Jinnai: Makoto is behind this.
Deva: What is that, some kind of bomb?
Jinnai: No some kind of old-fashion gramaphone. {kicks one}

Tom: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb...1

Rune: Roshtaria will never surrender to Bugrom scum.
Deva: Oh?
Jinnai: Ehhhhh you will {kick}
Rune: We refuse to become slaves to anyone.
Makoto: Especially you Jinnai. Not only are you a liar, you're a chicken!
Jinnai: C-c-c-chicken? Why you take that!{big kick}

Joel (Jinnai): At least he didn't say I was stupid.

Nanami: You're stupid! You're stupid! You're stupid!

Joel (Jinnai): Damn!

Fuji: I'm filing those suspension papers as soon as I get back.
Alliele: And you're ugly too!

Crow: Alliele is great in a debate.

Jinnai: I'll show you! Ifurita! {Ifurita: what?} Dessstroy! I want you to go to Roshtaria and level every palace and building to the ground. {Ifurita: huh?} You heard what your master said. Go and destroy.

Crow: And pull my finger!

Ifurita: Roger sir, over and out. {flies off}

Joel: 10-4 good buddy.

Jinnai: Now we'll see who's chicken when all of you are roasting on a spit. You shall now taste the evil in 'pure evil genius'! {laugh}

Tom: We have the title ladies and gentlemen.

Ifurita: If I destroy every palace and building. People will loose all their houses and shops and schools. Oh gosh, someone might even get hurt!

Tom: Well that IS the general idea. {imagines}
Ifurita: Lightning give me power! {destroys city}

Crow: Lightning, give her brains!

{stops imagining}
Ifurita: Oh no I can't do that. ALl those poor people are going to be dead cause they don't know I gotta blow stuff up. Hey that's it!

{Ifurita floating through marketplace}

Crow (F): Hey, there's a sale over there!

Ifurita: Hey you guys. Everything's going to blow up soon so run away! The palace is going to be first and then everybody else's building and stuff.

Joel: Ah the sensitive agent of mass destruction.

Villager 1: Hey flying girl. Just who's going to be attacking us anyway.
Ifurita: Um me. I'm an ultimate weapon and I gotta smash buildings.
Villager 2: You? I think you're putting us on.

Tom: She's not very convincing is she?

Ifurita: No it's the truth. It's even a command. So all you've got to do is run away.
Villager 1: Well that's good! The old palace has been looking shabby for the past several ages. Maybe she's going to build us a new one. How about it girlie?
Villager 3: Yeah, that one building's still missing a dome.

Crow: My roof could use some patching up.

Ifurita: I'm just trying to be nice. Why don't they believe? Maybe if I showed these people a sample. (Crow: A sampo?) Hey how bout I show you guys a sample. How about that roof up there. You wanna see it go boom?
{crowd agees}
{Ifurita tries, but fails}

Joel: Where's the ka-boom? There was suppose to be an earth-shattering ka-boom!

Ifurita: Help me wind power!
{nothing happens}

Tom: This is the wind - no.
Crow: Maybe she needs to shout louder.

Villager 1: Hey her stick made a wind sound!
{crowd laughs}
Villager 2: Good job, but you need a louder boom.
Ifurita: All that pressure. I can't concentrate and I screwed up the whole thing. I can't be an ultimate weapon when I think about it too hard.

Crow (at brown whirlwind strips): Gymnastics ribbon?
Tom: Which is to say 'When I think about it, period'.

{whirlwind forms behind her}
Ifurita: Oh whatever.

Crow (F): I'll just eat Mexican for lunch. That'll give me wind power.

Ifurita: And what's worse, I'm probably going to get scolded by my new master when I go back.
{whirlwind causes trouble, sweeps Ifurita up in it, sees another one}

Tom: Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

Ifurita: Uhoh, if this is the one I made, then what's that one?
{new one cancels out the other}

Joel: Reminds me of a fighting game.
Crow: Whril Kombat?

Ifurita: Huh? It's dispersing my wind.

Tom: {sniff sniff} Ewww what did she eat?

Afura Mann: Who are you that you using wind for evil. Wind should not be used to destroy, it is used to sow nature's seeds. It is holy and used for good.
Ifurita: Oh yeah, right. I'm sorry.

Crow (F): Excuse me, but what happened to our other pants leg?

Afura Mann: Sorry does not explain the evil I see. You shall have to be punished accordingly by the Priestess of the Wind, Afura Mann.

Tom: That's her in case you, the viewer, forgot.

Ifurita: Afura Mann?

Joel: But you're a womann.

Makoto: Ifurita!
Ifurita: Just in time...

Crow: For messages from our sponcer.

{Commerical sign}
Ifurita: Uhh well uhh. I was trying to help people and something went wrong. And then this priestess came and--
Afura: No excuses! {attacks}
Makoto: Afura don't!
{Ifurita flies about helplessly}

Tom: Weeeeeee!

Makoto: Well it looks like Ifurita wasn't the demon you feared after all. Maybe she is some kind of weapon, but she sure doesn't seem to be any problem for Afura Mann. (Nanami looks jealous)

Crow (F): I bet I could take her out. And I don't need no Lamp of Wind either.

Ifurita: You know I think you got the whole wrong take on this. I don't wanna fight.

Tom (F): I wanna destroy.

Afura makes fustrated sound.
Ifurita: Well if you attack me like that then I'll be forced to counter-attack and if I'm not paying attention then I'll win see? {Joel: So she'll accidently win?} You're in danger and if you don't listen--
Afura: I'm a great priestess. What makes you think you'll win?

Tom (F): I'm too stupid to think otherwise?

Ifurita: It's not really a question of you winning, it's a matter of you dying. {nervous laugh}
Afura: Then prepare for attack. I intend to live and win.
{Afura attacks and whips Ifurita}

Joel: She's a bit TOO good at that.
Tom: Bet her and Aeyaka have traded notes.
Crow: Oh ow, a whip made of air. That really hurts...NOT!

Afura: Oh good the wind whipping worked. Now here's the final blow! {boom} See, I won. She's a very disappointing opponent though.

Joel: But still, it's fun to beat up someone too stupid to fight back, right Afura?

{Whirlwind is reflected back at her.}

Tom (F): Oh poopie!
Joel: Run Forest! Run!

{Afura tries to run away but get trapped easily.}

Crow: I bet they never covered this during training.

Ifurita: Sorry, I tried to tell you.

Afura: Somebody could have told me she was an ultimate weapon. {Joel: Would you have listened?} Demon, I can think of a few better names to call her.
Rune: Is she true evil?
Afura {thinks}: Her power was so overwhelming, I guess there was no other reason for my failure. What else could she be?

Crow: Your incompetent?
Joel: Your ego's too big?
Tom: You understimated your opponent?
Crow: Ifurita didn't think about it?

Makoto: Is she evil? {Af:wha} You're a priestess. Does that mean that if she's evil that's why you lost?
Afura: What? Are you saying I'm not good enough to triumph?

All: Yes!

Makoto: I meant loose by chance in turn, like cycles during periods.

Crow: Periods? As in PMS?

Afura: Chance was not involved.
Nanami: How rude.

Joel: She heard you, Crow. And she's right. Miz: Not really. It all goes to prove that Afura can't win alone whether by chance or fortune.
Shayla: Sayin it for years.
Afura: Because parrots know only how to mimic.

Joel: So Shayla was mimicing herself?

Shayla: At least I don't go into battle without a plan.
Afura: Planning takes a brain!

Crow (F): Oops, that didn't come out right.
Tom: So Afura doesn't have a brain?

Shayla: I've got a plan all right. Miz thinks it's good and is behind it 100%.
Miz: Which is true as long as she abides by the alternate rescue plan.
Shayla: {gasp} No then Em-Fuji maneuver.
Miz: Where the madien in distress gets rescued by a strong man. It only sounds like your name because it's in holy code.

All: Riiiiiiiight.

Fuji: That's...good to know.

Ifurita: I can't stop thinking about my almost-first master.

Tom: Oh great, not her too.
Joel: Makoto's got more potential girlfriends than I did in high school.

Makoto {thinks}: She's not evil. I just know it.

Jinnai: You stupid idiotic bungbling fool! What in the world were you thinking Ifurita. Don't you realize that if you could beat one priestess you could have beaten them all? It is time for you to learn control and I intend to be very strict with you beginning with this!

Crow: Talk about the blind leading the blind.

{Ifurita gasps}
Jinnai: Take a memo.
Ifurita: All right.
Jinnai: I am the strongest weapon. In fact I am the ultimate. I shall attack without thinking and shalln't run away from it.
Deva: By putting it in rhyme to remember it may even sharpen your wit.

Tom: Poe he's not.

Ifurita: Cause otherwise they'll call you a nit.{laugh}

Crow: That'll happen anyway.

Jinnai: This is serious so stop goofing around. You ditz.
Ifurita: How do you spell ditz?
Jinnai: That isn't what you're suppose to be writing down you idiot.
Ifurita: Really?
Jinnai: Go! Just go and destroy stuff!
Ifurita: Again?

Joel (F): I wanna shop!

Jinnai: I just don't understand how an ultimate weapon can be so dumb.
Ifurita: I'm sorry.
Jinnai: Stop trying so hard to be good. Concetrate on being evil. Please, I know you can do it. Don't think of me of just being a master. Think of me as being the father that you never had. {sob} I just want my baby to acheive. My little child growing up, going to school and graduating from the College of Evil. {sob}

All cheer Jinnai for his good acting.

Ifurita: Do you remember evil Pappa?
Jinnai: Yes Daughter.
Ifurita: What you said about evil and nice and children. If I'm your child are you being evil now?

Crow: Sounds like she's been taking logic lessons from Rush Limbaugh.

Jinnai: Just what the heck are you getting at?!
Ifurita: About being good natured. You explained everything so well about evil being so nice. That I think I can remember it like that.

Crow: How about a dictionary? That can help.

Jinnai: Well does that mean you're ready to be evil now?
Ifurita: Yeah! I'm ready! Ready to be really evil and make my Daddy proud.
Jinnai: And our other key word 'Destroy'. Can you remember that?

Tom: Oh she's got 'destroy' down, but she's very mixed up about 'evil'.

Ifurita: Yeah! Destroy! Look out Evil Girl's coming to town!

{quaint country town park, Efurtia is wearing red shades}

Tom: Oh yeah, no one will recognize her with THOSE on.
Crow: Maybe she think she's Cyclops of the X-men.

Ifurita: Thunder blow up tree! {boom}

{Crow and Tom imitating those polite chicmonks in old WB cartoons.}
Crow: Oh no, it looks like someone destroyed our tree.
Tom: Oh mercy me. Well, looks like we'll have to find another one. How about oak this time?
Crow: If you insist.
Tom: Only if it's fine with you.
Crow: Heaven forbid to disagree with you. Oak it is.

Ifurita: All right, it worked! Hey! Listen all you people in Roshtaria. Over here! I am the evil Ifurita. And evil means being nice. And I'm here to blow everything up!

Joel: Pat Robertson could have used her on the campaign trail.

Children: Wahhh I don't wanna blow up. Monster!
Ifurita: Oh no little boy please don't cry. {Crow: What if I blow up the school first?} {raises shades} Don't worry, I'm not a monster see? Well by everyone and sorry about the tree! I thought the cool shades would keep me from being distracted, but everyone thinks I'm a monster.

Tom (F): All I did was blow up one stupid tree.

Shayla: Hold it!
Miz: You're not getting away so easily this time.
Shayla: You ready to fight? Cause this time you're going to get hurt.
Ifurita: For your information I didn't come for fighting. I'm here to destroy this town and I need a little time for concentration.

Crow (F): It's more fun to destroy things that don't run or fight back.

Makoto: Ifurita! Do you really want to destroy this town? That's not what you really want is it? You shouldn't so something that isn't right just because Jinnai told you to. You should do what's inside your heart. Do the right thing. You need to Look deep inside yourself and understand what evil and good are and what it means to Ifurita and not to anyone else.
Ifurita: I do understand. I'm going to be evil!

Tom: You're not suppose to say that!

Ifurita: The best there is! In fact I'm going to graduate.
Makoto: Graduate?
Ifurita: Yeah, see ya!

Joel: Good one, Makoto.

Shayla: Where she goin? {gives chase}

Miz: Water surround.

Crow (F): Oh no! I'm drowning! Heyyyyy a fish!

Shayla: That's hot! Got her! Multi-fireball.
{Ifurita catches fireballs, combines them into one and throws it back}

Tom: Ya know, maybe Ifurita shouldn't use her powers, just everyone else's.
Joel (when screen filled with steam): Ahh a sauna

{Ifurita catches Miz and Shayla}
Ifurita: And now Mummify! fy fy fy

Joel: Turn down the reverb, Stupid!

Shayla: Dare ya!

Tom: OK.

Jinnai: My own demon doll at her finest.
Ifurita: ohhh master
Jinnai:Issue it! Seal the evil incantation. Be care now, concentrate. Don't loose control. Focus. Thats the key. Keep your mind on the job....
Ifurita (thinks):Uhh I'm never going to be able to do it with him talking so much.
Jinnai: ...Think accurately about blasting them come on Efutia. Remember, no prisoners.
E:Ooooo Uh-oh I forgot.
Jinnai: Forgot what?
Ifurita: My staff, it's pointing the wrong way.

All: Doh!

Jinnai: You worthless idiot, not again!

Joel: Again? When was the first time she blasted you by accident.
Tom: Staffs don't blast people. Idiots do.
Crow: I wonder if the NRA makes a video about demon god saftey?

Londs: By divine fortune, Roshtaria was saved from the demon's wraith. But with that weapon still in the power of the madman in charge of the Bugrom, shall we be safe for long?

Tom: At least until the next episode.
Crow: Divine fortune my gold keister. It was pure dumb luck.
Joel: Sounds like Londs is picking up some extra bucks doing exosision.
Tom (at Makoto looking over ledge): Gonna hurl...

Jinnai: You stupid stupid stupid foolish idiot. What in the world were thinking? {Joel: She wasn't.} You know what I have to do now, Ifurita? It's punishment time.

Joel: You must watch Earth vs. Soup
Crow: Hey wait, I wrote that.
Tom giggles

E:Noooo! Spare me from torture!
Jinnai: I can't do that. You must face the fuzzy tingler. {begins tickling Ifurita}

Tom: Next, the comfy chair!

Ifurita {thinks}: I could have succeeded if only my master wouldn't have shown up. How am I suppose to tell him he makes me crazy? Oh whatever? {gives in and laughs}

Crow: Oh just tell him, he's used to it.

Deva: Earth punishment, very odd indeed.

Joel: Hey, you don't know what we go through right guys?
Tom and Crow: Yeah!

1: This child's poem was used to make the first recording of the human voice.
Episode 14: The Legendary Snow Fields!

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